Living with Uncertainty
Uncertainty is that unsettling feeling of not knowing how things will turn out — of walking a path without a clear destination. It’s like investing your time, energy, and dreams into something, not knowing whether it will flourish or fail. Imagine leaving a well-paying job in Canada, only to return home and face two years of the unknown. That was my reality.
For two years, I lived in a constant state of uncertainty. It showed up in unexpected ways: reckless behavior, indifference to how I dressed, distancing myself from people, procrastination. I’ve always loved research and academia — it’s what I do, it’s who I am. But sometimes, when life feels out of control, you start to consider wild alternatives. At one point, I even thought about becoming a hairdresser. Not because I don’t believe in my potential as an academic, but because I was grasping for something, anything, that felt certain.
At first, I didn’t recognize what I was feeling. I just had this constant, nagging worry about the future — especially after my partner and I separated. That breakup left me hollow, like I had nothing solid to stand on anymore.
I found some comfort when I watched an interview with Melinda French Gates during the early stages of her divorce. She spoke honestly about grieving the loss of something she thought would last forever. That hit home. I was grieving too — the life I thought I’d have, the future I thought was mine.
There were darker moments. Times when I wondered if life was even worth the struggle. Suicidal thoughts crept in. I told myself maybe life is best lived short — better than living with this constant ache of not knowing. Then another tragedy struck. I was robbed. My most valuable possessions were taken. And somehow, that was the turning point. I told myself: it could have been worse. I could have been physically harmed or even raped. But I survived. And surviving gave me perspective.
I started teaching myself how to live with uncertainty — not to fight it, but to coexist with it. I did this by surrounding myself with people who lifted me up, who reminded me of who I was when I forgot. I cut out toxic energy wherever I could. I leaned into hobbies, like swimming and going on weird little adventures. These things grounded me, helped me feel joy even when everything else was blurry.
Uncertainty is still with me, but it doesn’t scare me as much anymore. I’ve learned to make peace with it — to trust that life, messy as it is, keeps moving forward.
So now I ask: how does uncertainty show up in your life, and how do you cope with it?
